stillneedawish | [video] ♐ April 24th

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[video] ♐ April 24th

[Madoka is sitting on her bed in her pyjamas. Her hair's loose, her knees are drawn up to her chest and her arms are wrapped around them. She doesn't look happy. Not at all. It's a little too dark to see her face properly, so you can't tell if she's been crying or not, but when she speaks, she sounds as if she might have just finished.]

... Hello there, everyone. Can I... um, is it okay if I ask everyone a favour? Could someone talk to me, please? I-I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight...

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...I'm extremely busy, but I can spare a few minutes if it will help you sleep. It's important to rest when you can, or you will be incapable of fulfilling your duties to the best of your ability.

Thank you, sir... I know that, it's just -- it's going to be difficult, after wh-what -- what happened.

What did happen? Tell me everything, and take your time.

O-- Okay. Just a moment... um. If I'm going to tell you everything, Erde-san, I'll need to lock this.

[Taking a couple of breaths to calm herself down before she begins.]

Um, well... on my world, there's magical girls, who make a contract for magical powers in exchange for a wish. Being a magical girl means you have to fight witches, and I'm one of them, and so are -- so were my friends. Things were going really, really well for a while, b-but... [she chews on her lip] W-well, you see, magical girls like me have something called a soul gem, and it's supposed to give us our magic but -- but Kyubey lied to us!

[And yep, there goes any semblance of calm.] It doesn't just give us our magic, it's-- it's like part of us, and if it gets too co-corrupted, we turn into witches, and-- and o-one of my fr-friends--!

One of your friends became a "witch"?

Mm. [she nods, trying to calm herself down again a little.] A-and then -- there wasn't anything we could do, a-and we tried, we- we really did, to make her normal again, b-but she wouldn't listen, Erde-san! S-so Homura-chan, and -- and Kyoko-san, and Mami-san and I, we h-- had to...

And you had to perform your duties.

[She nods again, with a sound that's half a sob.] There-- it was the only thing w-we could do. But then Mami-san went-- I-I think finding out the truth sent her c-crazy, because-- she shot Kyoko-san, a-and she was going to-- to kill Homura-chan too! So I had to-- if I didn't do something, Mami-san would have k-killed us all, so - I had to, Erde-san!

I see.

Madoka Kaname, what would have happened if all five of you had been killed?

[sniff] No one would have been here to fight Walpurgis Night when it comes to the city in a few days. I -- I think it would destroy e-everything, if no one was here to fight it...

I suspected it would be that sort of situation.

I have a story to tell you, if you would like to hear it. My delivery is poor as my knowledge of fiction and general storytelling is weak, but you may find helpful parallels within it.

A... story? Um, okay. Yes. I'd love to hear it, i-if you wouldn't mind, Erde-san.

There was a boy, once, who lived in peculiarly isolated conditions, in a place hidden above the sky. He had no family, only three guardians who were forbidden from associating kindly with him. The boy had a large responsibility ahead of him: he had to learn how to operate the machines that would save the world. His guardians had their own responsibilities, which all centered on making sure the boy would be able to do it, even if it meant treating him harshly.

However, one of the guardians broke the rules. He decided that the boy needed a friend, and took it upon himself to forge that friendship. He tried to do everything he could to make the boy's life easier, telling him jokes, sneaking him extra food, sometimes just talking to him. The boy had his first friend.

One day, the guardian told the boy that they were going to escape and return to the ground. The guardian confessed that he had come from the planet's surface, and there were many people there waiting for him. He had been sent away to find something that would make his country stronger than any other, and the machines that the boy was supposed to operate contained the greatest possible power. The people of his country would be very happy to meet the boy and his machines, and they would all want to be his friends. It was going to be strange, but the boy had to come with him. He had no choice.

But the boy wasn't stupid. He knew that his guardian had been something else all along, and that was a spy. Spies were bad, and part of his training had been how to deal with them. As well as operate the machines, it was his responsibility to kill spies who would try and steal the machines, or use them wrongly. He also knew that the people on the ground would not want to be his friend, that they would hurt him and use him for their own gain, and then they would kill him, and he was afraid. And he also knew that if he let the man leave without him, they would kill him for allowing a spy to escape.

He executed his friend.

The other guardians were very pleased with him. The boy had adhered to the rules wonderfully, and the machines were safe again. They decided that he was ready to meet other people, because he clearly knew which people were safe and which people had to be killed to protect the machines.

The boy was cold towards everyone he met, so that he would easily be able to observe them and tell who was safe and who was a spy without being caught in their lies. But as he grew older, he realized it was getting harder to tell who might be dangerous, as many people had things to hide that were not necessarily a danger to the machines. Some people did things that were dangerous at the time, but were sorry later. Some people just made mistakes.

Many years later, he realized that he was scared that killing his friend might have been the wrong thing to do. Was it selfish to have killed him because he was afraid of dying? Was it pre-emptive to kill him when he might have repented for his wrongdoing?

But then he knew that he had nothing to be sorry for, because if he had died, he couldn't have used the machines to save the world. If he had left with his friend, even if they hadn't killed him in the man's country, neither he nor the machines would be able to save the world. If the man had not been killed, the world would not have been saved. The man and everyone else in the world would still have suffered, and a world lost to suffering was more terrifying than anything else.

He had to reach a compromise. He decided to mourn his friend, but not to dwell on his death. Because the world still needed saving, and would always continue to need saving. If he let his grief at his previous actions consume him, his friend's death would have been for nothing.

As I said, my skill at telling stories is poor, and it is not the same as your situation. However, I am told that hearing of similar experiences can be comforting.

[Madoka is very attentive, listening quietly until he's done with the story.]

No, I didn't think you were that bad at telling it... and it was very thoughtful of you to think that way, anyway.

... Erde-san, c-can I ask a question? Um... this might sound a little rude, but um - well, was the boy in the story you?

Me? I'm sure Mileina will confide in you someday that I was never a boy, and that I never had a childhood.

You didn't?

If that's true, Erde-san, that sounds so lonely...

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[video] ♐ April 24th

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[locked] THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM...

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